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The past week succinctly summed up in three words.
This week has been one hell of a blow to my self-esteem. Most of the week was spent preparing the portfolio for something I had to pass. As usual, I can never make up my mind. Ask me to choose one, and I’ll insist on two, haggle on three, and shoot for four. Such is my life.
Monday – Monday was the day of my Practical Exam over at McKinsey and Company. It was mind-boggling why a business consulting firm would bother contacting a humanities major for their endeavors. But, I had nothing to lose, except maybe, an afternoon’s worth of time. Their office was pretty sleek, had a great view of the Makati skyline. Prior to going there, I knew what the test would be like and I was sure I was was going to fail it splendidly. But as we all know, the experience of taking a test is way different.
As I set there, in their snug, black conference chair, I was answering questions like: “Which of the following is the best estimate for the price of soso to be financially beneficial within 2 years?”. So yeah, I was writing sloppy computations on the piece of blank paper they gave us, and I never felt more clueless in my life. One case study spoke of some shrimp restaurant that was needing logistical reform, and the best I could do to answer the damned thing was to draw a shrimp, and maybe some arrows.
The first reverberations of “Not good enough”. I wasn’t gonna be good enough to answer that test. I wasn’t going to be good enough to earn the reputable six-figure salary that my parents always wanted me to earn. So after an hour of complete and utter cluelessness, I bid their classy office good-bye. Thanks to my friend Anna (my genius of a friend from first year M02) for keeping me company 
We rewarded ourselves with an ice cream stick from 7-11 right after. Hihi
Tuesday – Crunch time for those portfolios to be finished as I juggled it with thesis, readings, and thinking of ways to get those panel boards done. We were supposed to read Hannah Arendt’s “Labor, Work, Action”, I read it, but somehow couldn’t really understand it :\ Actually, Tuesday wasn’t that bad.
Wednesday – The day of infamy. As I struggled to get things printed, filled out envelopes, burned CDs, wrote things, I felt inadequate. What if I wasn’t good enough. What if these things I’m spending my Christmas money over aren’t good enough for them? When we submitted them and I caught sight of the pile of envelopes stacked at the back, it resounded at the back of my mind: “what if i’m not good enough, not good enough, not good enough”. Somehow, my pile of brown envelopes looked like shit.
Thursday – The disaster waiting to happen. Today I had an oral exam in Philosophy. I really did prepare for it, wrote a spiel, highlighted key words, read the readings and my notes over and over, spent time in the library concentrating. But I really botched it, more than I have botched any other oral exam in my life probably. I love Ph103, but on Thursday, I wasn’t good enough to even decently answer the supposedly “easier” thesis statement. I almost cried but decided, with the help and consolation from the friends over at the pubroom, that grades are not worth crying over. Five days into the week, and I’m still not good enough.
Friday – After the devastation that was Thursday, Friday at last. R&R day, Job Fair day, yet another printing day. Although I’d like to think that I did a pretty good job with my resume because I spent time laying it out in InDesign, making it all tabular and visually stimulating, it still wasn’t good enough for this particular job fair. I have a lot more to say on this issue.
Noni, Jason, Jonty, and I, the only BFA ID students in that floor, scoured the cocktail tables for our “future” employers, we were having a difficult time. Like we didn’t have any place to go. Our resumes, no matter how visually distinct they were, would never have the same magnitude as the words Finance, Marketing, Operations or Management stated in another’s resume. Again, not good enough. We left the place thoroughly dissatisfied.
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